my head hurts so bad right now.
I keep really wanting to write something to commemorate my sophomore year.
But, like, seriously—I’m coming up with nothing. The things that have happened this year have been beyond comprehension.
The ways that I have lost have been monumental.
The things I have gained have been pure and golden.
The lessons I have gleaned have been true and fortified.
I don’t remember a whole lot from the first semester. And I know why. I wasn’t allowing the Lord to flow freely through me. I was holding on to darkness, to distraction, to a heart that did not belong to me. I secluded my heart and fought His will. And, to be perfectly honest, I don’t want to remember first semester. There are things I want to block out forever, erase the past. There are wounds that have yet to be healed.
I entered the new year with all of this weighing on my chest. My heart was heavy, my faith was battered.
And then the Lord forced me to make decisions that, at the time, I did not understand. They hurt. My heart was ripped from my chest not long after we rung in the new year.
But my God is not faithless. He knew that I would have to feel a lot of things that would not be easy. He placed lovely, beautiful people in my life to carry me through.
And, as I began to let go, my life began to explode.
I began to truly see how my heart had wandered, and I bound a reminder of my First Love to my skin.
I started to feel free. To express my love in ways I never thought possible. To extend my life in ways I never foresaw. To change, and to let my appearance reflect the changes the Lord was working into my soul.
I got to share my story more than once.
I got to experience the Lord’s work in the lives of those around me.
I wish I had documented more of this time.
The things I got to experience with Demi, how she affected my life.
The three hour talk I had with Jarrett.
The constant encouragement and love from my big brothers, James and Peyton.
My most amazing SLD, Stumpy, who was a constant force behind my ability to grow and heal and continue trusting God as she helped me accept the fact that I was never going to be cookie-cutter.
My blessed and beautiful RA, Amie, who made me cry more than once with the truths that the Lord revealed to her.
Lindsey, Sai, Joanna and Paige, who are some of the strongest women in the Lord and have always brightened my life and made shenanigans at The Table a blast.
My psychology group, namely Chris—who showed me that men, strong in the Lord, still existed.
Mrs. Cofer and her selflessness, which is being lifted up as she exalts the Lord on His throne.
Charles and Ryan, the dynamic duo, with whom there never was a dull day.
And, of course, my girls. Amy, Megan, Kaylin, Rachel, Christina, Brittany—what an honor it has been to love on them and watch them grow and change.
Girls as beautiful as Bee, Sylvia, Fiona, Sarah—girls who may never know how I admire them.
And the amazing leadership on my hall:
And the Lord never stops putting people in my life, like Solomon, that completely blow me away.
As I write this at 6:00 AM, exhausted and sore, I am completely in awe of how the Lord works. And now, as I leave, I enter a completely new journey.
I am not returning as an on-campus student at Liberty University next semester. Rather, I am working at home, taking online classes, and building a ministry at home. My aim over the next seven months is to take a place that has been so painful for me and to turn it into a place of rejoicing. I want to take time not only to heal from my past and the craziness I have endured this past semester, but to also build my Judea. To love on those I should have loved on years ago. To work and begin establishing a foundation for wherever the Lord takes me next.
And that destination is so unknown. Everything is up in the air.
I am blind and deaf,
dumb and weak,
but holding on so tight to the hand of my Father.
"i don’t want to hug you."
best statement ever said to me.
guys, God is moving so quickly through my heart.
He’s cleaning the cobwebs, breaking my glass walls, tearing down the things I have so carefully established and erected.
He’s changing me. In ways I never imagined possible.
He’s bringing things and issues to light that I never wanted to face.
So, if you think of me,
I just ask for your prayers.
Because it looks like there’s a very interesting journey ahead of me.
And I could use those prayer warriors c:
This is my testimony.
guys, this is my tattoo. doing exactly what i prayed it could do.
i had posted it on a christian tattoo site, but i could not have anticipated the amount of circulation it received.
but that’s not even what caught my eye. what excited me the most was how many blogs that were not run by Christian bloggers nor seemed to profess any faith at all were reposting it, commenting on it’s impact.
this excites me so much.
guys, i spent so much time focusing on myself, doing this crap to myself. and when i had to face the consequences, i knew that it would draw attention to me.
and i didn’t want that.
my prayer was that my tattoo would take the attention of off me, and what i had done, and put it on HIM, how HE has restored me and continues to restore me.
and for the first time i feel like it’s actually done that.
i was always iffy on whether i actually wanted to ever post this picture at all.
but i’m glad the Lord compelled me to. if it could bring His restoration into someone’s life.
a lot of people i know get on a soapbox on the internet. so i’m gonna do it this time.
sometimes i hate my testimony.
you know why?
because self-harm has become so glorified. why the heck are a lot of people so eager to express that they have participated at some point or another in this? why has it become a fad?
i am sick and tired of people asking me, “did you used to cut?! so did i!”
sweetheart, i am not excited to have this in common with you. i am not thrilled to have it on my rap sheet, nor am i ecstatic that i have a permanent reminder of the selfish, pitiful, disgusting things i did to myself.
i got a tattoo so that my past wouldn’t be what people focused on, but rather the restoration.
i would much rather people say, “the Lord restored you?! He restored me too!”
cuz that’s what it’s all about.
i don’t know. it’s been a weird week.
i just. i need someone to understand that it’s not exciting for me. it’s still a very deep issue, and i’m honestly still very ashamed of the things i did while not trusting the Lord.